I feel like I’ve forgotten something really important.
Multiple things, actually. The things that kept me writing urgently in my room by lantern light, the things that had me feeling completely at peace listening to Sigur Rós at two in the morning and thinking about lost seafarers and nothing else, the things that led me to connect to those of you that I’ve met through here. The things that drew me closer to some core thing that was so inspiring, maybe untouchable, and worth chasing. A feeling: the feeling of being completely immersed in the beauty of the world, the desire to find that wherever it was and try to see it more clearly by writing poems, making music, creating art. The fascination with the term negative capability.
Maybe I’ve forgotten because I’ve found new things, and it’s hard to remember all of them as well as the old, and all at once. A lot has changed and I’m thinking differently, with new ideas and concerns and people and perspectives. I’m less consigned to being lost and young in the world and living in my imagination. More driven to find out what change I want to see in the world and how to go about making that happen.
Living externally, less internally.
I think both are important, and that it shouldn’t and doesn’t have to be a tradeoff. Or at least I want it to not have to be a tradeoff for me. I’m looking for a balance now and hoping I’ll find it.
I also feel like I get introspective to the point of being self-centered, but yo dis my blog so I’m just gonna do that here.